Dear Grandma,

I love you and I miss you.

When you past I was not there for you. I was too afraid to see you because the last time I saw you you had forgotten who I was. I remember you were walking out of the bathroom as I was passing, and I felt so scared because I didn’t know who you were anymore. I did not understand why you acted so differently.

I was told you had alzheimer’s and you were sick.

I did not know why you kept telling me the same story, about all those children that you took to the supermarket and let them choose one thing. I felt like it was not a true story but something you really wanted perhaps. Maybe you wanted things to be more simple and for your children and to be able to provide everything they needed.

As a 12 year old I took that story as you guiding me to learn how to look after children, so I could be able to provide the needs of any children I may have one day.

Grandma, I became a nanny when I was 17 years old. I learned how to look after children without hurting them. However, I have not had any children, and have not been able to have children with my long-term partners/past Fiancee. Perhaps that is not my future. Also, I imagine that despite looking after many children as a nanny and in childcare, that I will certainly not be the perfect parent. However, any children that come my way, I do soak in their youthfulness, I am as patient as possible, and I encourage their intuition as I believe children are incredibly sensitive.

Grandma, I have had many experiences in my past and perhaps as you are dead you may know those things. Those experiences have produced this imperfect person that I am today, and I am not sure if you would be proud of me.

Out of all the family members, you were one of them that helped me feel special, and a part of something. You welcomed me and I appreciated you including me in things, like putting the chocolate pebbles on the cake when I was very young.

Grandma, I did not see you years before your death. I saw you lying in the coffin, the first dead person I had ever seen. I was 15 years old and I had just been through an abusive relationship that had ripped out my soul. I was lost, and then you died. Tears are flowing from my eyes as I remember that time. I knew you were dead but I watched your chest moving up and down. I felt I could not imagine you dead, and I wanted you to be alive to hold me.

I felt so mad at you that you left me alone in this world when I needed you the most. I was so lost and Grandpa tried to make me feel better. He told me to smile and that everything would be okay as I was leaving your old house, the day after your funeral. That made me feel better.

Grandma, you know our family needs so much healing, especially me. I really try hard to connect with myself and I feel I have learned to love myself. I feel I cannot be around much of the family because of the current situation of my immediate family. To have to explain my reasons, including that I feel I cannot be around that guilt, negativity, and manipulation as I grew up with seems to be sitting with them more than ever. And of course there is the main situation of why I cannot be around them right now that I am sure you know.

I want to be around people that I want to be like and I know I do not want to have my family’s life, but in a way I feel I do. I know I have characteristics of people in my family. However, I wish to be someone with a balanced life and this is important to me, especially right now in my life, at age 32.

I live with chronic pain and here I am volunteering, working casually, writing my blog, looking for another job, and working on myself to a huge extent. Through psychotherapy I have been able to understand myself and my past more. Mostly, I have been able to see that I was a young child and teenager when I lived everyday, frightened of my father’s physical abuse, and both my mother and father were so abusive in an emotional, psychological, and even a spiritual way.

Grandma, like you, my parents went through hardship as children in their own ways. I understand that they themselves never deserved the suffering that they ended up with as young ones. They carried so much into their children’s life and I ended up carrying some of their hurts. I wish they never went through their hurt because it meant that I have this anxious life.

Perspectives are all different overall, and as I grew up never wanting to be abusive, just because I grew up that way, it led me to different avenues in my life. I ended up doing so many things that my parents told me I would never do. I remember how they told me they didn’t want me, and told me I was nothing, not worthy, while along with their actions they hurt me so much, which encouraged their words that crushed my soul.

Grandma, if you could bring me some messages within me or people into my life that would help me heal, I would appreciate that. I feel as though I want to follow my intuition and that has been difficult for me, since it was discouraged as a child and growing up. I want to be a person that can help other people, but I wonder if that want is actually more of a need to help myself so I can keep moving forward.

I strive to be kind, understanding, and caring, while also releasing the other natural emotions within me that come up such as anger, and sadness. Emotions and feelings that were suppressed from a young age I feel I am still releasing that, including the physical pain that I experienced and is travelling with me in this life journey.

Anxiety and the way that my sensitive body, mind, and soul connects is very strong. Stength in my sensitive being has certainly slowed me down while I used to be so busy all the time, working, studying. And hardly ever allowing space to really explore these events that I have learned even years after they affected me so deeply.

Grandma, I place so much energy in being aware of my actions, words, and who I am being, what I am saying and doing in regards to other people, insects, animals, and property, and how all those parts of me can affect other people. Awareness has helped me to adjust exercise, and every area of my life in order to lower pain levels without any medication. Medication always causes me even more problems and pain, especially within the stomach and bowels which I believe has a strong connection to every part of my body, and affects the rest of my body. I enjoy balanced exericse, resting, and meals including chocolate, and that has been okay for me. I do notice that wine and chocolate do connect with my brain in a powerful way at times, and encourage emotional feelings, especially sadness. Connecting with sadness is important to me because of suppressing so much of it in the past. Crying is a great physical release for me which helps lower physical pain especially in my chest, and anxiety that I feel in my throat area.

Expressing myself is so important, as it was another part of me that was suppressed as a child. Confusion and hurt are the words describing what affected me most in my childhood. Being heard was certainly not how I felt, and I spoke so quietly and sweetly, even though inside I was like a roaring lion in a fight. I hated myself so much as a child and teenager and I felt hatred towards people that hurt me in any way. I hardly ever said anything and when I did I felt like I was wrong, bad, and mean even when I said nice things or stood up for myself using words that were not hurtful. It seemed like my words would always be held against me and there was nothing I could do or be to become this perfect person that I have been taught is the only person worth being.

Grandma, today I feel so tired of the apparent perfect person I should be and I am tired of hearing that people are not perfect. I know that people are not perfect. One of my issues is that I want to enjoy and embrace my imperfections and the part of me that is kind, stands up for herself and others, and is understanding, self-expressive, and so on. I want to enjoy the imperfect parts of my body, including the lines, scars from operations, and growing stretch marks, and the extra fat on my body, even though I am my average weight. Within society I feel as though I am supposed to hate myself and my body and also be finding ways to be a BETTER PERSON, as though I am not good enough. I do feel that I have so much healing to do, boundaries to keep, and more awareness to be had, but to BETTER myself adds a tiring sense to my already tiring need to be aware of so much. I want to listen to my inner self, that explains that I am a balanced person and that I am able to connect to all values, and strengths, and apparent weaknesses, which can also be strengths. For example, vulnerability of my own can be seen or heard by another and can provide a platform for them to feel free to do the same.

Grandma, I have a strong feeling that you will love me for everything that I am right now. I hope you know that I strive to be a healthy, balanced person and to heal so I can help others to do the same, or be the person they are in spirit. I send you love. And I know you didn’t purposefully leave me behind and that it was your time during that heart attack. I am sorry I was not there for you. I was going through so much in my own life and I could not get there, although I did try near the end but I could not get transport. I am going to assume you have forgiven me for that and that you can understand in spirit that I love you. I like to imagine you experienced peace at your time of death and right now, in spirit.

Love you Grandma
Amanda, your granddaughter always.

Once again, I write in the moment, leaving it raw (not changing it after writing it) and in this case with a strong sense of vulnerability and child-like expression in many ways. I hope you have enjoyed reading this and that it has helped you in some way.

Kindness and love to you, Amanda